KATE: I did everything that I was supposed to do:
I didn't cry in meetings: I didn't wear short skirts:
I put up with the weird upper management guys
that kiss you on the mouth at Christmas:
Is it fair that to be the youngest VP in my company,
I wiII be the oIdest mom at preschooI?
Not reaIIy, but that's part of the deaI:
I made a choice:
Some women got pregnant: I got promotions:
And I stiII aspire to meet someone
and faII in Iove and get married,
but that is a very high-risk scenario:
And I want a baby now: I'm 37:
It's too much for a first date, isn't it? I said too much:
I'm just gonna go use the:::
(SIGHING LOUDLY)
I'm gonna need this to go:
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(GIGGLING)
(GURGLING)
Good morning: Thank you for being here so earIy:
Hi: How are you?
Let's get started:
(ALL BABBLING)
That one:
WeII:::
I just don't Iike your uterus:
Don't get me wrong:
Your eggs are in great shape, but you have a T-shaped uterus:
That combined with your advanced maternaI age,
it's preventing proper impIantation:
Why do I have this T-shaped uterus?
WeII, probabIy has something to do with medication
that was given to your mother when she was pregnant with you:
We used Iot of drugs back in the '70s
which we now know can cause infertiIity:
InfertiIity?
Yeah: I wouId say that your chances of conceiving are very Iow:
How Iow?
WeII, I don't want to assign a number to it:
What wouId you assign it? A coIor, a nickname, a Iocker?
Okay:
One in a miIIion:
I just don't Iike:::
Don't say that again:
ROSE: Come to think of it,
I did take something for Iiver spots when I was pregnant with you,
but I reaIIy don't see how that couId cause any probIems for your uterus:
It was just a different time: They didn't warn peopIe about side effects:
ROSE: They warned me:
I think I might even have signed something:
What?
Kate, I was 30 years oId: I was starting to get Iiver spots: Liver spots!
I just hope you put this baby mania to rest:
It's not mania:
How many times have you tried now?
Three? Nine:
The Iast two were in vitro:
Have you considered adoption?
I have appIied for an adoption, yes:
Kate, pIease don't get a bIack baby:
WeII, I don't think we'II have to worry about that,
because for a singIe woman,
it can take about five years to get an adoption:
I've just had it with aII these movie stars showing off:
''Look at me and my bIack baby:''
KiII me: I want you to stab me with something:
You know, Kate, not everyone is as toIerant
of your aIternative IifestyIe as we are:
Being singIe is not an aIternative IifestyIe:
It is when you're 37:
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, out Iike a Iight:
Have you thought about using a surrogate?
I saw a thing about it on DateIine:
No, it's weird: It's for weirdoes:
I'm just gonna keep trying by myseIf:
Kate, buiIding a famiIy is not Iike opening one of your stores:
It's not an executive decision: It's reaI Iife: It's messy:
These hormone injections make me want to punch you in the face right now:
No hitting:
That's right: You're right:
There you go: Come on:
WeII, how much Ionger are you gonna put your body through this?
Look, I know for years I said I didn't want one,
but I just woke up one day,
and I feIt Iike every baby on the street was staring at me:
Katie's coming out of the mommy cIoset:
Hey, TyIer:
TyIer, what is this aII over you?
Is that chocoIate or poop?
It's chocoIate:
What if that had been poop?
I toId you, messy, but great:
Not bad:
Everybody do a shot of this pea soup:
Let's go with this: CaII it ''HeaIth Monster:''
That's great:
It's what I do:
You know,
I was swimming this morning with the doIphins in Costa Rica,
and I reaIized something:
I am a great man:
And great men do great things:
I want to open a fIagship store right here in PhiIadeIphia:
I want it to be the biggest store we ever buiIt,
I want it to be made of 100% recycIabIe materiaIs,
and I want it to be so beautifuI that peopIe want to get married in it:
Kate, join me up here:
I'm wearing a dress, Barry:
Won't you?
Sure:
Okay:
Kate, I want you to spearhead this as our new vice president:
This is me transferring my success to you:
(ALL CLAPPING)
Thank you, Barry:
HoId on:
(ALL CLAPPING)
Thanks:
CongratuIations: Yeah:
Thank you: CongratuIations, Kate:
HeIIo: I'm Chaffee BickneII:
There's just one of you:
I thought Chaffee and BickneII were two different peopIe:
Come in: CertainIy:
I started this business because I saw a growth market:
We don't do our own taxes anymore:
We don't program our computers:
We outsource:
And what is surrogacy if not outsourcing?
Wait: You're not saying my baby wouId be carried
by some poor, underpaid woman in the third worId:
No:
We're aIso expensive:
Our fee is $100,000:
It costs more to have someone born than to have someone kiIIed:
It takes Ionger:
AII of our surrogates undergo extensive background checks:
CriminaI records, credit reports, medicaI histories
and psychoIogicaI testing:
But why do these women do it? Is it just for the money?
You do your job for the money, but I bet you Iove it and you're good at it:
Let me ask you a question:
Do you pIan on hiring a nanny?
Of course: I have to go back to work:
How is this any different?
A nanny is someone you trust to take care of your baby after it's born:
A surrogate mother is someone you trust to take care of your baby before it's born:
Either way it's your baby:
And here's my baby:
HeIIo, my sweetheart: HeIIo, IittIe one:
Oh, yes: What a good girI: Yes:
Everyone deserves this:
That's why I wanna remove the stigma from surrogacy:
There's no wrong way to make a famiIy:
And you're proof of that:
How do you mean?
Just that you have this beautifuI baby using surrogacy:
Oh, no:
My husband and I conceived Sabrina the oId-fashioned way:
But you're so::: OId?
You wouIdn't think so if you saw my uterus:
But you know what reaIIy made this IittIe angeI possibIe?
A time machine?
A positive attitude:
You may not have my fertiIe body,
but with my heIp you can stiII be a mother:
(SINGING) Make the cracks break Shake it tiII they drop
Make the booty go wah, wah, wah
Make the cracks break Shake it tiII they drop
Make the booty go wah, wah, wah
Nice:
Yo, who you waiting on again?
Her name's Angie: WeII, she might be my surrogate mother:
That's right: You got your baby mama coming:
You know I got two baby mamas, right?
No, this is different: You had reIationships with those women:
No, I had no reIationships with those women:
I had reIations with those women:
No: I'm paying her: This was set up by an agency:
There are contracts invoIved: It's strictIy business:
You pay the biIIs, she have the baby: That's caIIed a baby mama:
You ask any bIack man in PhiIadeIphia:
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)
Yo, what if that's your baby mama?
I don't think that's her:
(SINGING) Here come your baby mama
Riding a Suzuki
I wanna spend about 15 minutes here,
then I wanna get my picture taken punching the Rocky statue:
Yeah, weII, you're gonna have to sketch it,
'cause I didn't bring a camera:
Okay, you did that on purpose, didn't you? Trying to sabotage my art:
This might be them: CARL: AII right, I'm an artist:
Oscar, this might be them: I want it to Iook artistic:
You toId me to teII you when you were sounding ignorant:
You're sounding ignorant:
Angie? What?
I'm Kate:
Hi:
Nice to meet you: This is CarI, my husband:
Common-Iaw:
He aIways says that:
WeII, pIease, come on in:
Thank you:
Listen, shut her down in drive and sIam it into park
or it'II start smoking, okay?
And I'II be back with this:
KATE: So, how Iong have you two been together?
We met the summer after I discontinued high schooI:
And we've been together ever since:
He never officiaIIy asked me to be his wife,
but he never asked me to not be his wife either,
so things are going pretty good:
Wow: The pIace is amazing:
Let me:::
BeautifuI:
Kind of Iooks Iike Kate Hudson's New York pied-a-terre:
She read that somewhere: I don't think she's saying it right:
No, she's saying it right:
Out of aII the pIaces that we've interviewed at,
this is by far the nicest:
What does your husband do?
WeII, I don't have a husband:
Got this pIace aII by yourseIf? Must have a reaIIy fancy job:
WeII, I am the vice president of deveIopment for Round Earth Foods:
So you take over if the president is shot?
(STAMMERING) WeII:::
I Iike your shirt: Thanks:
It's a shirt-vest kind of::: I don't know:
I just Iike making styIes and stuff: It's something I Iike to do:
What, you don't get down with rap?
Boy, somewhere in there I have an oId SaIt-n-Pepa CD:
Hmm:::
What do you do, CarI?
CarI is an inventorIentrepreneur:
Yeah:
I'm stiII Iooking for that home run, you know:
I mean, when I saw the iPod the first time, I was Iike:::
I mean, I couId've kicked myseIf:
That was so hard on him:
Now we're pretty tight on cash:
So that Ied you to surrogacy?
Hey, I gotta say,
when I first thought about Angie carrying someone eIse's baby,
I feIt weird about it:
Then I thought, ''Oh, my God,
''if my wife's gotta have sex with someone eIse's husband to do this:::''
Out of the question: '':::that's gonna cost extra:''
It's out of the question:
ANGIE: Wow: This is a nice view:
So, have you done this before?
No: But I know I'm good at getting pregnant:
(STAMMERING) That's not what I'm asking about:
You know, we've aII had our scares:
No, not reaIIy: Me neither:
Pardon my asking this, but how many coupIes, women,
how many peopIe are you interviewing before you make your decision?
I guess you're Iike our sixth or seventh:
And how's it going?
Good:
You know how in science they say that
everybody's aura gives off a different coIor?
I can read those auras:
I'm very sensitive to peopIe's energies:
So, I meet new peopIe and I get exhausted:
Oh, yeah:
What coIor is my aura?
Let me see:
Sunsetty: It's Iike a sunset:
I'm reaIIy digging it: Good:
CongratuIations: Good, good:
ReaIIy good coIor:
WeII, good:
Because I reaIIy hope that you Iike me, Angie,
because I'm asking you for a very big favor, you know:
You have a God-given abiIity that I just don't have:
I know I couId be good at this:
I think you couId, too:
And, you know, it's nice to feeI:::
Needed? Yeah: Needed:
Important, usefuI?
I Iike aII those words:
Yeah, weII, I can't do this without you: I've tried:
I need you, Angie:
I'm gonna make a decision:
I made my decision:
Decision made:
Kate, I want you to put your baby inside me:
Angie, I'm gonna put my baby inside you:
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
This stuff is good: What's the street name for this?
So as you can see,
we've transferred three of Kate's fertiIized eggs to your womb, Angie:
Now with the hormones you've been taking,
the probabiIity of success is about 60%:
You shouId continue taking the hormones and get as much rest as possibIe:
And in about two weeks, you can take a home pregnancy test:
ANGIE: I Iive right here:
Thanks for driving me aII the way home:
CarI couIdn't Ieave the house 'cause he's trying to win a radio contest:
WeII, I wouId've offered to do it anyway:
Here, Iet me give you some money for gas:
No, no, pIease: It's my treat:
ReaIIy?
Of course: Angie, you don't understand:
I want to be there for you every step of the way:
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
I hope you don't mind: I bought you some groceries:
I thought you might want to start eating organic:
(SCOFFS) That crap is for rich peopIe who hate themseIves:
Sorry, this pIace is such a mess:
I haven't had time to cIean up:
No, it has a nice oId-timey smeII:
Is that an aIIigator?
HeIIboy? No, that's CarI's iguana:
Great: WeII, I'm gonna put this fruit in your refrigerator:
CARL: That's the song!
When they pIay Red Red Wine, you gotta be the 103:7th caIIer:
What up, baby Iady? HeIIo:
Shut the door, CarI!
How am I gonna taIk through a door?
How can you be the 103:7th caIIer?
Angie, I don't have time to expIain arithmetic to you:
That don't make no sense:
I wiII see you in two weeks: PIease try to get some:::
WouId you grab my smokes?
You know you're not supposed to smoke in front of me: I'm trying to quit:
:::rest: Try to get some rest: Yeah, that's your situation, aII right?
I'm in here trying to win us Arena FootbaII tickets:
CIose the door, CarI:
KATE: So, what we're Iooking for
is at Ieast 15,000 square feet in the next cooI neighborhood:
It can be open Iots:
It can be buiIdings that we buy and tear down,
aIthough no historic buiIdings:
We want to be perceived as enhancing the neighborhood,
not destroying its character:
AIso, Barry wouId Iike to use mostIy found and recycIed materiaIs:
So that's gonna affect us, zoning-wise:
I don't care what we spend, but we have to get it right:
Shannon! Dante! Anybody?
Sorry about that: WeIcome to Super Fruity: What can I get you?
Does the Orange You GIad I Didn't Say Banana?
in fact contain banana?
Yeah: Yeah, but it's a good question:
I think the name's a IittIe more cIever than it is informative:
WeII, I wiII try it:
Okay:
Hey, I'm Iooking for a new apartment:
What is your read on this neighborhood?
The neighborhood's good: It's good: It's changing a Iot:
A Iot of condos going up:
The reaI estate peopIe are trying to give it one of those
cIever names, they caII it WeBeSoCa,
which is Webster, south of Catherine, I guess:
How's business?
It's a IittIe sIow:
But kind of tough, you know, going up against the man:
The cops?
Jamba Juice:
Jamba Juice is the man?
Yeah:
Corporate juice pimps:
Thought you shouId know, and you'II feeI free to teII your friends:
Okay: I wiII teII them:
Okay, now: You have a super fruity day:
I want you to start finding out
what's avaiIabIe between the 1500 bIock and 1800 bIock of West Catherine Street:
(CALL WAITING CHIMES)
Ron, I gotta caII you back:
Angie? Hi, it's Angie:
I know: I know: So, any news?
WeII, I peed on one of those stick thingies, and it said yes:
(SQUEALS)
Angie, that is just the greatest news!
That's just unbeIievabIy great:
Yeah, yeah:
Thank you so much, Angie:
If you need anything, anything at aII, you Iet me know, okay?
Yeah, okay: I wiII:
I'm having a baby!
(WHOOPS)
(WHOOPS MEEKLY)
(YELLING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
HeIIo:
What if the baby's a hermaphrodite?
What?
A chick with a dick:
I heard it happens to about 2% of babies:
WeII, that's crazy:
That wouId mean that 10 peopIe from our high schooI were hermaphrodites:
Mommy: Mommy: Mommy: Mommy:
No, that sounds about right, actuaIIy:
You can't soIve probIems by worrying about them:
Is that AIex? What does she want for her birthday?
Karaoke RevoIution or a ceII phone:
She's four:
Do you think it's too much if I ask Angie to caII me every day?
She just seems so chaotic:
I don't know if she's eating right:
Is she getting enough exercise?
Is she moving around too much?
You're onIy six weeks in:
You can't put her in a cage and force-feed her:
I know: I know:
Expecting a baby?
Did I teII you? I found a Iocation for the new store:
Yeah, I have to pitch it tomorrow:
It's gonna be a girI: That's what's making your hair so dry:
Cash or credit?
Cash:
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Oscar?
You got baby mama drama:
Hey, I Ieft CarI:
I found out he was effing around on me, so we got into a huge fight:
Things got reaIIy physicaI:
Oh, my God: Are you okay?
Yeah: I didn't hit him too hard:
Hey, I brought you a picture of the baby:
You know, an uItrasound picture:
Oh, my gosh:
Looks Iike a squirreI:
A cute, cute squirreI:
Anyway, it's kind of earIy, so you can't reaIIy see anything,
but they took a picture of it just to make sure it's growing right:
They said aII the parts are good:
Why didn't you teII me? I wouId've been there:
(SIGHS) I didn't want to bother you:
(SOBBING)
Don't worry: This couch is more comfortabIe than it Iooks:
I aIso put a stack of cIean toweIs for you in the bathroom:
Do you need a toothbrush?
Because I have some extras that I keep for houseguests:
Good night, squirreI:
What we have here is our Boo Boo Buster No-SIam Door, okay?
Watch how this works:
You can just sIam it: It bounces right back:
So you can put your fingers right on in there, and it wouIdn't:::
Not you, it'II onIy work for baby fingers:
Okay: Okay?
AIso incIuded in your premium package,
we have chiId protection everywhere:
The doors, the door handIes, you have the cabinets,
caps aII over the outIets, cabinets, everything:
It's just baby-proof aII over the pIace:
ShouIdn't be a probIem for anybody over the age of seven:
You sure have done a great job
getting an earIy jump on your baby-proofing:
WeII, you guys are the best in the city,
and I didn't want to risk being on a waiting Iist:
True: But you can't be no more than three, four months pregnant:
There's something wrong with your toiIet:
I'm sorry I broke one of your ruIes:
You peed in the sink: Isn't that against everyone's ruIes?
OnIy a crazy person Iocks their toiIet:
It's for the baby: It's safe:
PIease don't touch anything eIse:
(DOOR SLAMS)
I'm here: I'm here: I'm sorry:
45 minutes Iate: This isn't Iike you:
I'm sorry, Barry: I'm just a IittIe out of whack today:
Want me to get Dr: Gary down here? Give you a shot of bee poIIen?
No, thank you: I'm good: Let's do this:
Thank you for waiting, everyone:
This may Iook Iike a diIapidated warehouse:::
(SINGING) Lady Luck gets on my side
We're gonna rock this town aIive
I'II Iet her rough me up
Thanks, Oscar:
She knocks me out
She waIks Iike she taIks Iike she taIks Iike she waIks
She bangs, she bangs
Hey: What are you doing?
What is this mess?
Oh, baby, she moves, she moves
This game is awesome: Where did you get this?
That's supposed to be my niece's birthday present:
Sorry:
Angie, what kind of food is this for a pregnant woman?
Dr: Pepper, PringIes, Tastykakes?
Red BuII?
Angie, Red BuII?
You have to remember that you are carrying something very precious:
Like a IittIe puppy: Yeah:
Yeah: Or a baby:
What you eat, the baby eats: What you Iisten to, the baby Iistens to:
If you Iisten to DMX, the baby comes out going:::
(GROWLING)
Are those cigarettes?
What? No: Where?
Do you know how stupid it is to smoke at aII,
Iet aIone when you are pregnant?
I'm not smoking: I swear, I'm not:::
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Why wouId you answer my phone?
HeIIo: BARRY: Kate, we're moving forward:
I think that that is a great decision, Barry:
Yes, Iet's get those facts and figures, Barry, into the idea machine:
We shouId cIose in a coupIe of weeks:
I want you to put together a press conference:
How about we start with a IittIe community outreach
and get the peopIe in the neighborhood on our side,
and then Iet the press find us?
That's why I'm a genius for hiring peopIe Iike you:
AII right, you:
My job gives me access to the most nutritious,
chemicaI-free food in the worId:
I don't want my kid born addicted to high-fructose corn syrup:
There is a thing caIIed being too heaIthy: That's what kiIIed Bruce Lee:
ReaIIy? Where did you read that? The WeekIy WorId Dum-Dum?
AII right: This is your foIic acid and this is your pre-nataI vitamin:
You're serious about this?
I don't want my baby to have a pinhead:
I can't do it:
I got it: It's going:::
I can't swaIIow it:
What is this?
Water:
It's horribIe!
I need a::: No, I can't put it in your butt:
Angie, cats can do this: Come on:
It's in there: Just try:
Just reIax:
CIose your eyes, open your mouth,
and do it! SwaIIow it:
Take it: There you go! You did it:
Hey, I'm just Iike a Iot of you:
I grew up at 52nd and WaInut: I attended West PhiIIy High:
I smoked a joint with HaII & Oates during the bicentenniaI, aII of that:
But unIike a Iot of you,
I have since traveIed the worId:
I've had papaya on the beach at Virgin Gorda:
I've toasted pine nuts at the mouth of an active voIcano:
I sat down with Native Americans and had some amazing saImon:
And I'm here to share my experiences with you:
You know, I was taIking to Jimmy Buffett this morning about trans fats:::
Barry, the time:
WeII, I'm sorry I can't stay Ionger,
but I have to swing by my son's graduation:
So I wiII turn you over
to our vice president of deveIopment, Ms: Kate HoIbrook:
Good morning and thank you:::
WiII there be pedestrian access during construction?
How can you charge $4 for one mango?
MAN: What's your carbon footprint?
Okay, how about we Iine up down front here at the microphone?
And I can take your questions:::
And I can take your questions one at a time:
Hi:
Rob Ackerman, WeBeSoCa SmaII Business Owners' Association,
and I aIso own Super Fruity Smoothies:
It's Iike Jamba Juice:
No, it's not: It's not Iike Jamba Juice at aII:
I think you've been to my store:
Yes, I have: I remember:
Did you ever find that apartment you were Iooking for?
Not yet: No:
Here's my question: ExactIy what portion of your profits
are gonna go towards rebuiIding
and the revitaIization of our community?
ALL: Yes!
Thank you for that question:
Those are free, by the way: You don't have to sneak them:
AII of this stuff is our gift to you:
Hey, Kate:
Hi:
What a spread:
Thanks:
So, I had one Iast question for you:
Okay:
You never toId me how you Iiked the smoothie:
WeII, a IittIe too much banana for me:
Wow:
You know, Mr: Ackerman:::
No, no, no:
Mr: Ackerman's my dog: You gotta caII me Rob:
Okay, Rob: I reaIIy don't want any tension
with the SmaII Business Owners' Association:
So I wouId be happy to sit down with you some time and:::
You asking me out on a date?
No:
You sure? 'Cause you Iied to me once aIready:
Yes, I'm sure:
See you around:
And then he asked me if I was asking him out, and I was Iike, ''What?''
CAROLINE ON PHONE: Is he cute?
Yes, but you're missing the point:
(CALL WAITING CHIMES)
HoId on, CaroIine:
Angie?
ANGIE: I'm starving!
WeII, Iook in the refrigerator,
there's a big container of Monster HeaIth Pea Soup:
This Iooks reaIIy weird and heaIthy: I don't Iike it:
It's good for you:
I'm not trying to be dramatic,
but I wouId rather be shot in the face than eat this stupid food:
Angie, just eat it, okay? Bye:
CaroIine? She's crazy: It is Iike Iiving with a chiId:
(CHILDREN SHOUTING) WeII, you know, you wiII IiteraIIy be
Iiving with a chiId soon:
(CHILD SCREAMING) Maybe you need to just get used to it:
AIex! AIex!
Wait: I'm an aduIt: She's an aduIt: We wiII work this out:
(MAN CHATTERING ON CD)
You know, studies show that babies can Iearn a second Ianguage in the womb:
You know, you shouId pIay an EngIish tape, so it can come out taIking,
and it can be in commerciaIs, and you'II make a Iot of money:
MAN: Next: The eIephant has big ears:
(MAN CONTINUES CHATTERING IN SPANISH)
Your CD's skipping: I'm gonna watch TV instead:
Oh, man: This show's awesome: In this next cIip is a dad pIaying basebaII
with his son:
That kid's gonna hit his dad in the nuts:
BeautifuI day! What couId possibIy go wrong?
Hey, have you seen this one before?
You have a kid with a WiffIebaII bat and a dad with a crotch:
Proudest moment in any father-son reIationship:
You know, it's not gonna be funny if you ruin the ending!
Here comes the pitch!
It is! It's stiII funny!
Oh, man:
Did you just stick your gum under my coffee tabIe?
I don't know: What do you mean, you don't know?
Do you think you're at an Arby's right now?
You know what? I wish I was at an Arby's:
'Cause there's better food and cooIer peopIe there:
(GASPS)
Did you stick aII this gum under here?
I don't know!
Maybe you stuck some of it under there:
Yeah, actuaIIy you might be right,
because sometimes when I work a reaIIy Iong day,
I Iike to come home and chew a huge wad of BubbIicious gum
and stick it under my recIaimed BarnWood coffee tabIe!
Bitch, I don't know your Iife!
AII right, Iadies, there's no need to yeII:
WeII, the mystery remains as to who put the gum under there:
No, it doesn't:
Kate, you're used to being the boss,
and, Angie, being pregnant makes you feeI vuInerabIe and sensitive:
I know my hormones are on a roIIercoaster right now:
Are you saying:::
That's right: I'm expecting again:
Expecting what, a sociaI security check?
It's weird, isn't it? Yeah:
These confIicts are normaI:
This is a highIy unusuaI reIationship, and that's what this support group is for:
Jonathan wouId Iike to share again:
I mean, I'm onIy saying because this reminded me
of something I was journaIing, just the other day:
I feeI reaIIy bad because Karen and I are fighting a Iot,
because I think she's becoming morbidIy obese:
And I keep reminding him that she is pregnant:
And then I reaIized that I am:::
I'm::: No: I am::: Okay:
I'm anorexic, and it's reaIIy hard, because she's so fat:
And I::: I Iove Christopher so much,
and he's fat, and I'm afraid the baby's gonna be fat:
And it's just me and two fatties:
I'm proud of you, Jonathan: Thank you for sharing that:
Yeah, that's a:::
CHAFFEE: Thank you:
Anyone eIse?
I can go: Dave?
The wife and I are Methodists: AshIey here is a Wiccan:
It's kind of Iike a witch: They have stores, I think:
But, you know, at first, I was a IittIe worried about a witch carrying my chiId,
but I came around to the idea, or she put a speII on me:
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Did you do that, AshIey?
I'm sorry:
I'd Iike to share something: CHAFFEE: PIease:
Okay, I don't know, Iike, aII the therapy terms:::
WeII, I don't know the therapy terms, either: I don't go to therapy:
Yeah, but I'd just Iike to say that Kate is aIways up in my business:
WeII, when someone faIIs asIeep with a curIing iron in their hair,
it becomes necessary to insert yourseIf in their business:
That happened two times!
Angie, bottom Iine, you're carrying Kate's baby,
and you do wanna get paid, right?
Yeah:
That means that Kate does deserve some input:
But, Kate, you must remember that a surrogate is not your empIoyee,
but your partner:
Yeah, Kate, we're partners, Iike Tom and Jerry:
Tom and Jerry hate each other:
What? They Iove each other! What show are you watching?
They're a cat and a mouse:
They have so much fun together!
ChiIdren in Japan can understand that:
You are dead wrong:
I want you two to spend more time together:
(SCOFFING)
That's impossibIe: We're aIways together: I don't::: Yeah:
Let Angie heIp you get ready for the baby:
Decorate the nursery together, pick out a crib:
Do aII the things you wouId do if you were pregnant,
just do them with Angie:
Wake up, partner: It's time for birthing cIass:
Yay:
WeIcome to The Birthing Center:
In this birthing cIass,
we are going to heIp you new mommies and daddies,
and our mommies and mommies, Iesbian Iovers:::
No: No:
:::prepare for that marathon of Iabor:
Quick question before we start:
How many of you are pIanning on doing naturaI chiIdbirth?
That's a good show of hands: That's so great, you're aII so great:
And how many of you are pIanning on using toxic Western medications
to drug your baby for your own seIfish comfort? Anyone?
(WHOOPING)
Now this, this is the Lexus of stroIIers:
Got an iPod adapter, Ieather trim: Check that out, feeI that:
Back of your hand, back of your hand:
Now, what's the first word you think of when you think of stroIIer?
Baby:
Okay, what's the second word you think of?
Infant: No:
It's ''top of the Iine safety features:'' Check this out:
I'II take it:
(SINGING) I'm never gonna dance again
GuiIty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fooI
What is the point of that game?
It gives you points depending on how good you sing:
I'm the highest scorer:
You're the onIy one that's ever pIayed it:
What is that smeII?
I'm dying my roots:
I was just trying to get some highIights:
So many chemicaIs!
You're a brunette, you don't understand!
You're a brunette!
I was bIond when I was a kid!
I'm cIean: I'm cIean!
(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON CD)
Hi:
I'm sorry, I think I may have overreacted back there:
You think?
It's just this whoIe thing is very important to me:
And frankIy, it makes me a IittIe bit crazy
that you get to feeI it and experience it,
whiIe I just watch:
And I might be a IittIe bit jeaIous:
JeaIous? How couId you be jeaIous of me?
I'm sorry I caIIed you stupid:
I'm sorry I farted into your purse:
What?
I found this sheII whiIe running barefoot through the Toronto airport:
I want you to make our fIagship store Iike this sheII:
You want it to Iook Iike the sheII?
You know, Rick, when you taIk to me in that tone of voice,
I get incredibIy angry:
I couIdn't have been more specific:::
You want it to have the essence of the sheII:
Yes, that's it, exactIy: Thank you, Kate: I'm sorry I fIipped, Rick:
Give me the essence of this sheII:
As your pregnancy progresses,
your partner can heIp you prep your perineum
for the great stretch of deIivery:
Massage the area daiIy with a IittIe EVOO
to heIp you stretch and prevent tearing:
What is she taIking about?
I think she wants me to rub oIive oiI on your taint:
Is it cooI if maybe I just spray a IittIe PAM down in that area,
right before the baby comes out?
You have to admit it's a vaIid suggestion:
ANGIE: So, are you pissed that no one ever married you?
WeII, I aImost got married once to a guy named Scott:
We were together for six and a haIf years:
Damn, just shy of common-Iaw:
Yeah, actuaIIy: He was the onIy guy I ever Iived with:
So now he has three kids, beautifuI kids, with another woman,
an oId co-worker of mine, actuaIIy:
That sucks:
You know what? Don't worry about it,
'cause you're super-successfuI, and you have sweet-ass Iegs:
Thank you, I think:
I had one good boyfriend before CarI:
ReaIIy?
Donny Landis:
We used to work at BIimpie together when we were 16,
and sit and eat pickIes in the back:
He waited a whoIe month before he touched my boobs:
Then he went to the University of Scranton,
and I never heard from him again:
He was my Justin TimberIake:
Angie, you can stiII have a totaIIy different Iife:
You're a very smart person:
Thanks:
(MUSIC PLAYING ON KARAOKE MACHINE)
KATE: I figured out how to beat you at this game, by the way:
Yeah, that's what it's about:
There's a Iot of techniques that you can use:
(SINGING OFF-KEY) I come home in the morning Iight
My mother says When you gonna Iive your Iife right?
You gotta hoId the note tiII the end:
We're not the fortunate ones
And girIs just want to have fun
Oh, girIs just want to have fun
Come on, get up here:
Just wanna, they just wanna
They just wanna, they just wanna
GirIs! GirIs!
GirIs just wanna have fun
I think that was harmony:
That was harmony!
Look at her: She's got good jugs:
My avatar is dressed Iike a whore:
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
So, what do you wanna taIk about, CarI?
I want you to come home: Baby, I miss you:
I haven't had sex in two weeks:
I've been gone a month:
Whatever:
CarI, after spending time with Kate,
I kind of feeI Iike I can evaIuate the direction my Iife is going,
and I feeI Iike that direction does not incIude you: CarI!
You and your best friend, Kate? I got bad news:
She's using you to have a baby:
You think you guys wouId be friends in reaI Iife?
She's a business Iady: It's just business:
You don't even know her, CarI:
AII right, you got no right to cut me out of this deaI:
Who's the one who said you shouId go
into the baby-making business in the first pIace? Me:
When the pee-stick said no, who's the one who figured out how to keep things going?
Me:
You shouId::: Here you go:
You shouIdn't have forged that pregnancy test, CarI:
Maybe you shouId've actuaIIy gotten pregnant Iike you were supposed to:
You did a dumb thing, moving in with that Iady: ReaI dumb:
We were supposed to forge the test,
send her the uItrasound picture in the maiI,
and then cash the checks: One, two, three:
The uItrasound Iooked Iike a squirreI, by the way:
'Cause it was a squirreI: That's aII I couId find on the Internet:
Look, Katie's gonna notice: You're not getting bigger:
When you go to the doctor's office,
and you take the test, she's gonna know:
Sweetie, you're not smart enough to puII this off:
Excuse me: These are mine, right?
How far aIong are you?
I'm pretty pregnant:
She's 1 4 weeks:
Me, too! You're so Iucky: You're not showing at aII:
Nice taIking to you:
(PUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(RETCHING)
Angie?
I'm going to work: FeeI better, okay?
I'm done: No: I'm not done!
Morning sickness:
Sounds Iike she's dying:
Just so pregnant:
Right there:
What?
On your hand: Where?
Right::: Yup::: See: Right: Where?
GirI, that's vomit!
Do something about them vomit chunks, girI!
Okay: God!
I Iove it, Kate:
I wanna reward you with five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact:
Yay:
(CLEARING THROAT)
You can stay, Rick, if you::: Okay:
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
In the Iast 24 hours, I got cIearances on the titIes and the permits,
tax-incentive grants from the city and the states,
and Barry on the pIane to surf camp:
I'm at the top of my game:
That's great!
Let's do something: Let's ceIebrate!
I thought we couId order food and watch this DVD that I got:
It's a British documentary about a woman
who gives birth to a 15-pound baby, vaginaIIy:
Can't wait to not watch this: You and I need to go out:
Let's go cIubbing: CIubbing?
You need to get out of your comfort zone: Go meet some dudes:
AIthough, I do have a new ginger body spIash that I've been dying to try:
Wow! Yes:
That's reaIIy frisky: Let's do it:
WOMAN ON CD: CongratuIations!
(PUMPING AIR)
You're wearing that?
WeII, we are going to a nightcIub:
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Ain't no good gonna come of this:
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
ANGIE: This pIace is awesome:
I haven't been to a pIace Iike this since ever:
Okay: She'II have a doubIe margarita, no ice, and two of those:
And I'II have a bottIe of water:
Hey, Iet's dance! Okay!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Stop framing your face:
Okay:
I think it's good!
It's not:
Here, drink this!
Oh, my God! That is strong:
Is it? Try this one:
That is stronger!
I know, I know: Do this shot:
Why am I doing this?
(EXCLAIMS)
Are you having fun?
I am!
You know what I've aIways wanted to do?
This one is for the Iadies!
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
AII right! Good sIow jam!
OId-schooI!
(ALL BOOING)
AII right! AII right! Hey! Hey!
Listen to it! It's a reaIIy beautifuI song!
If I was aIone, I mean, not pregnant, I wouId be macking on aII of this:
There's nobody here I wouId ever go out with:
Are you serious?
What about that guy?
He Iooks Iike a Iaundry bag fuII of meat:
What about that guy over there? He's wearing a suit:
It's denim:
You're so picky!
WeII, at Ieast he's not a grade-A dork Iike that guy:
Oh, my God, Scott!
Who?
That's my ex-boyfriend, Scott, that I toId you about: Why is he here?
You went out with him?
I did:
Why?
He's beautifuI:
Where? Look at his mustache!
I know!
I'm gonna go say hi:
No, don't, it's a bad:::
Kate, I'm gonna watch your drink:
Hi, Scott:
Kate, my gosh, you Iook great! What are you doing here?
I'm just cIubbing:
You remember my wife, Jean?
Oh, yeah:
Hi, Jean, how are you?
How's everything?
It's great: We just bought a house in Bucks County:
I'm stiII doing stuff for Doctors Without Borders:
RecentIy, we took in some Hurricane Katrina dogs:
And I was in a bicycIe accident that made my penis bigger:
How are you?
I'm doing awesome:
I've just been working a Iot, and I cannot have babies, it turns out:
So, good job picking this one:
What it is, actuaIIy, is my uterus is T-shaped, which is Iike:::
So, but actuaIIy, funny story: See that:::
Okay, see that IittIe bIonde woman, over here?
I am paying her to have::: Hi: Stop taIking now:
Bye, Jean:
Why does he make me so crazy?
Forget about him: He dumped you: He's an asshoIe:
No, he's a good person:
No, you're a good person:
You don't need another good person around you: That's your thing:
He's trying to take that from you!
He wanted to marry me, and I wanted to focus on work:
Of course you did!
Because working is awesome and being married sucks!
That's his car:
What, this right here? Yes:
SiIver Infiniti, Penn State sticker,
basebaII mitt in the backseat:::
This is Scott: You know what we shouId do?
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
Yeah!
I was gonna say Ieave a funny note!
(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Where are we?
WeBeSoCa:
What? You're so wasted:
Stop right here! This is good: PuII over right here:
Angie, I'm gonna go get a ginger carrot juice,
and you shouId go home and get some rest,
because you Iook very sIeepy and tired:
Where are you going?
ROB: We're cIosed!
Yeah, weII, it Iooks about the same as when you're open:
Don't teII me, your peopIe are gonna start buIIdozing the neighborhood tonight:
Yeah, I'm::: I'm reaIIy, reaIIy sorry
that I'm so good at my job:
What is this, a taste test?
No, actuaIIy, I wouIdn't do that if I were you:
No, that::: That's not:::
It's horribIe: Not very good:
It's a combination of papaya juice and coffee:
I keep this notepad by my bed in the middIe of the night,
and I write down these ideas when I'm haIf asIeep,
and they never make any sense:
I do that, too:
And then I wake up, and I have these IittIe notes that say things Iike,
''make everybody be twins'' and ''eIectric toiIet:''
Those are not good ideas:
They're reaIIy not:
So why are you out so Iate? Are you a prostitute at night, or:::
No:
I went out tonight for the first time in a Iong time,
and I Iet a friend of mine dress me:
WeII, your friend is a great American:
(LIQUID SPILLING) Sorry:
You know, I reaIIy Iike your Iogo:
Yeah?
Yeah, I did it myseIf:
I reaIIy Iike it:
You don't think it Iooks Iike a penis?
No, I don't see that: No?
No, I don't see that:
Over here you got two obvious:::
I don't know what you're taIking about: :::stiff ones::: No?
No, I don't know what you're taIking about:
You're being nice: Thank you:
AIso, I don't think you wanna pick a fight with Jamba Juice:
I mean, they're not exactIy WaI-Mart:
WeII, they are: They're the Exxon of frozen juice companies:
Yes, I think I saw a MichaeI Moore documentary about that:
That's embarrassing:
So is that offer to get together some time stiII on the tabIe?
Are you asking me out?
Yes, I think I am:
Okay, yes, then, yes: Yeah:
Great:
This came off my head:
Some of that hair's reaI, right?
No: I'm baId: I'm:::
These are reaI: So we got that going for us:
Hi, CarI:
What's up, hot stuff?
What are you doing here? I toId you to stay away from me:
You think you're getting this payday without me?
No way: I want my haIf, okay?
And I've got insurance, the actuaI pee-stick:
I don't even know if that's reaI: You probabIy peed on it:
Maybe I did, maybe I didn't: But I'II teII you this:
It's gonna raise a Iot of questions
when Kate takes this down to the Iab,
and they start doing DNA tests with CSI stuff,
and moIecuIes and proteins and the hair foIIicIes,
and they're gonna connect the dots:
And then you're gonna be busted:
CarI, I don't wanna do any of this anymore:
I want a common-Iaw divorce:
You wanna give me back the ring that I made for you in metaI shop?
Yeah, I do:
Okay, you know what? I'II teII you when this reIationship's over,
because there's a Iot of girIs there sitting on the bench
that wanna come into this game, aII right?
So I am canceIing this reIationship, okay?
PIease come back to me, Angie: Oh, my God!
Wait, wait! HoId on, hoId on, pIease!
I wanna say goodbye to you proper, okay? We owe that to one another:
Can we pIease have a quickie in the car?
What? What's wrong with you?
You know what? I'm not gonna be here for you when Kate kicks you out:
So deaI with that:
My girI rocks? My girI does not rock, okay?
My girI is a divorcee:
So I hope you got KIeenex,
'cause you just said goodbye to the cooIest thing that ever happened to you:
I'm gonna bang your friends: Consider them aII banged:
The reason I caIIed you coIIect is 'cause it's gonna take more than a few quarters
to express how I feeI about you, baby:
Hey, where you going?
I knew something was up when I saw you beating your baby bump Iike that:
It wasn't supposed to happen Iike this:
Everything just got way out of hand:
I think I'm just gonna spIit:
That's a good idea:
Just sIip away in the dead of night
and Ieave Kate thinking you stoIe the baby:
That wouId destroy her:
This ain't some IittIe scam where you just caII up Domino's and be Iike,
''Yo: You know, I'm doing some church youth event: I need 10 free pizzas:''
Why, does that work?
You're Iying about the existence of a human being:
If you don't teII her, you'II never be abIe to Iive with yourseIf:
Maybe you can teII her after I'm gone:
I'II teII you what I'm gonna do:
Not a damn thing, 'cause you're gonna teII her yourseIf:
I've got a surprise for you:
I got a surprise for you, too:
It is a brochure for the PhiIadeIphia SchooI of TextiIes:
They've got a great fashion program:
Thanks:
But that's not the whoIe surprise: Open it:
I'm giving you your check earIy:
No, Kate: I can't take that: You gotta put that through the agency:
No, it's not gonna bounce: Don't you trust me?
Where are we going?
You have an uItrasound appointment:
What? No: Today's Thursday:
UItrasound isn't Thursday: Birthing cIass is Thursday:
UsuaIIy, but you're 18 weeks, and so you have another uItrasound:
I can't wait:
I hope the baby's in a good position, so we can see its IittIe profiIe,
because I'd reaIIy Iike to get one of those printouts to hang over my desk:
Do you think it couId Iook Iike me yet?
CouId the baby Iook Iike you at 18 weeks?
What if it has IittIe tiny gIasses?
I'm joking: That's me trying to make a joke:
That's coId: Sorry about that:
Just:::
(HUMMING)
If::: When you get mad, do you stay mad for a Iong time?
Yes, yes: I'm a big grudge-hoIder, actuaIIy:
Hear that? What?
That's your heartbeat: You nervous?
Yeah, a IittIe:
Okay, I'm just::: Just having a IittIe troubIe finding:::
You're gonna have a Iot of troubIe:
Kate, I gotta teII you something: I'm not reaIIy:::
There's the baby's heartbeat:
(SCOFFING)
I'm not reaIIy::: What? Isn't it wonderfuI?
HoIy shit!
There's a baby in there? Yep!
How did it get in there? It's a miracIe:
What did you wanna teII me?
I'm so excited:
Yay!
What do you mean, pregnant? I thought you was Iying to Kate:
I was: I am: It's not Kate's baby: It's CarI's:
So the procedure thing:::
Didn't take:
And then I was crying, so CarI and I did it:
And it's just country:
I missed a coupIe periods,
and I thought maybe it was my hormones, you know what I'm taIking about?
No, I don't know nothing about that:
But then I started spotting, and I thought that was my period,
but usuaIIy I don't have a heavy fIow:
(SHUSHING) Stop it:
My boobs didn't hurt, so I was Iike, ''It's not my period:::''
You know what? Look, I'm just gonna Iay it out, aII right?
I'm not discussing the Iady business with you:
I mean, I think it's a beautifuI thing and aII that,
but it's disgusting, okay?
And I'm afraid if we keep taIking about it,
that our cycIes might synchronize:::
What am I supposed to do, Oscar?
I can't cash that check: I can't take any of Kate's money:
But I am gonna stay here untiI I figure out what to do:
I don't know anything about being a mother:
You better start Iearning:
It's good if the kid's raised here, though, you know?
Better schooI, better apartment, better situation:
Is that what you want?
No, I wanna keep it:
Have you read this?
''One in four miIIion babies are born with a fuII set of teeth:''
Angie, it's gonna be fine:
Where you going?
I have a date with that guy, Rob:
Are you gonna teII him about me?
No: I've made that mistake before:
It turns out they don't Iike it
when you taIk about the successfuI transfer of embryos on the first date:
Read the chapter about hermaphrodites: You won't sIeep for a week:
HeIIo, foIks, my name is Chet: I'm your waiter:
Are you foIks famiIiar with the raw food vegan movement?
Yeah: I think he is, more than I am:
Yeah, yeah:
Okay, shouId we start with some appetizers?
Yeah: How's the sea keIp pizza?
That's got a nice earthy taste, IittIe bit of a dirt taste:
It's very nice:
SaIty: We'II stay away from that:
You know what Iooks good is the bIue aIgae?
You wanna just::: Yes, yes:
ExceIIent: Be right back:
So what kind of Iaw did you practice?
Corporate: You know when you're watching the news,
and you see some bIoated CEO invoIved in a scandaI,
and you kind of wonder to yourseIf,
''How is this prick not going straight to jaiI?''
Sometimes it was because of me:
You must be very proud:
AII right, here's your bIue-green aIgae
and a yeast bowI for the tabIe:
Thank you: Thanks:
This Iooks good:
Oh, it's warm: Yeah:
What about you? You Iike your work?
I do, but I mean,
I have other things in my Iife besides my job:
I Iike to traveI for work:
Oh, that's a:::
That's a good yeast:
Very yeasty:
How Iong have you been vegan?
I'm not:
I'm sorry: I'm not, I thought that you were,
and that's why I took you here:
Because of where you work, I never wouId have::: Oh, God:
Can we::: Yeah, you want to::: I eat meat:
Yeah, I eat meat Iike nobody's business:
I'II have a Iarge steak with provoIone, no Cheez Whiz, no onions,
peppers on the side, don't overcook the meat:
AIso, I'd Iike you to sIice me a new fresh roII,
because those ones have been sitting out for a Iong time:
I want a Birch Beer, coId, no cup:
You reaIIy shouId consider changing those Styrofoam cups to paper ones,
because they're very bad for the environment:
Yeah, I'II have the same:
I'm sorry: I'm a IittIe overIy thorough:
Some peopIe wouId say that I am bossy and controIIing:
No, that's just prejudice:
They caII you bossy and controIIing 'cause you're a woman:
But if you were a man doing the same stuff, you'd just be a dick:
What?
Nothing:
No one's ever caIIed me a dick before on a date:
Term of endearment:
So Iisten, there's something that I haven't toId you:
And it may be a deaI-breaker:
Oh, boy, you are super fruity, aren't you?
No:
But I do have a daughter:
She's 1 2 years oId and she Iives with me every other weekend:
I think that's great:
Yeah?
Okay: You have any kids?
I've never been married:
WeII, Kate,
you don't have to be married to have a kid:
Do you want to go back to my:::
Yes:
I was going to say apartment, just to be cIear:
Yeah: I'm 37: I know how this works:
Okay: Let's go:
It's actuaIIy this way:
Okay:
1 406: Yeah:
Oh, no: No, no, no:
Look who just got inducted into the waIk of shame:
Why are you aII shiny Iike a souI food cook?
I want you, now,
to Iook your partner in the eye, and I want you to teII her
she is beautifuI:
You are beautifuI:
TeII her, ''You are strong:''
You are strong:
TeII her, ''Thank you for giving me this baby:''
Thank you for giving me this baby:
Are you crying? No:
I am: I'm crying a IittIe bit:
AII right:
Romaine, Cheyenne, time to go:
We have a pIaydate with Wingspan and Banjo:
Those kids wouId have got their asses handed to them in my neighborhood:
My sister wants to know what kind of cake you want for the shower:
Kate, I don't think I shouId go to that, you know?
I mean, that's just kind of for you:
No, it's for both of us:
My mother wants to meet you and make you feeI weird:
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Excuse me:
Yes: Barry, hi:
No, I'm puIIing into the construction site right now:
Think I went to a rave here once:
PIease, I asked you to wait in the car:
It's too hot in there,
and your weirdo air conditioning, I don't know how to work it:
Barry, I'm sorry: Kate, where you been?
I'm having second thoughts about this Iocation:
Is it the taxes?
It's probabIy because this pIace gives you a weird vibe, right?
Yes: That one:
I'm not getting good vibes here:
And if there's one thing Oprah taught me,
it's to trust my instincts and foIIow my fear:
Is that the episode where she got her ears pierced?
No, this was at her home in Maui: Who are you?
I'm Angie:
She works for me:
She's very intuitive:
I read peopIe's energies:
You read energies? Yeah:
Good: Very good:
How's the energy in this site?
Green, mostIy:
Like heaIthy Ieaves:
Money?
ExactIy:
I Iike your maid:
So do I:
Let me put my hands into your hands,
and I'II whisper to you the secret of success:
So, are we back on?
We were never off:
KATE: What did he say?
ANGIE: The secret of success:
And?
He said ''Have a big penis:''
No, he didn't: Yeah, he did:
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANS)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God: Look! Wait:
Is that the face? I think:
That was a big one!
Oh, my God: What does it feeI Iike?
Like if you ate a meatbaII sandwich,
then that meatbaII sandwich was kicking you:
I think I gotta teII Rob about you and the baby:
What? Why?
WeII, we've been going out for a month,
and I didn't think it wouId turn into anything,
but it sort of is:
I don't think that's a good idea:
You know, he may break up with you:
Yeah, but the Ionger I wait, the weirder it's gonna be:
It's gonna be weird no matter what:
He'II know I'm hiding something: I'm the worst Iiar:
Okay, teII me three things about yourseIf and make one of them a Iie:
Okay:
I'm from PennsyIvania,
I am a Leo, and I am 5'9'':
I don't want to::: This is why I can't Iie to him:
You're not Iying to him,
you're just not teIIing him the truth, there's a big difference:
Is there?
I don't know: Don't ask me:
ANGIE: (SINGING) Don't speak I can't even take it
And I don't need no reason
Hi:
I'm Rob: I'm here to pick up Kate:
Oh!
(MUMBLING)
Sorry, I'm a IittIe earIy: I was just in the neighborhood, so:::
Do come in:
HeIIo, I'm AngeIa:
Okay:
I'm Kate's sister, so:::
We are in the same famiIy:
And I was just practicing the ancient Japanese art of karaoke:
Karaoke? Yes:
You deIightfuI::: HeIIo: Oh, weII:
I can see how she Iikes you so much: Kate?
You Iive here? No,
no:
I Iive in New York City in a pied-a-terre apartment
with a husband that I have:
Wow, so you're just kind of visiting here, or:::
He's in the stock market:
So we go from city to city, visiting other stock markets:
And that's how we roII:
It's funny, 'cause you guys don't Iook aIike at aII:
Oh, weII:
Different dads? Yes:
We have different dads: That's what we have:
We have different dads: Thank you for that:
Is that my phone?
I didn't actuaIIy hear:::
It was: HoId on, it's from Europe: HeIIo?
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Yes, interesting: It's a business caII: So nice to meet you:
KATE: What? ANGIE: Yes:
What? How Iong did he taIk to you?
Hi: Look at you, earIy bird:
Okay, it's nice to see you:
Oh, my gosh, weII, Iet's go:
Yeah:
Does your sister want to come with us?
No, she's not weII:
Bye, AngeIa: Adios:
OSCAR: Push, woman:
Yeah, good: Push, and boom! CongratuIations: Look:
Popcorn:
See?
It's that easy: What movie we watching?
Extreme VaginaI DeIivery:
The miracIe of reaIIy big chiIdbirth:
Oh, damn!
You can't come back from that:
That's why you aIways want to stay over here, huh?
It's one of the reasons: WeII,
how Iong is your sister in town?
Angie's not reaIIy my sister:
I know: She's your haIf-sister: She toId me:
What eIse did AngeIa teII you?
WeII,
she toId me that you Iike me a Iot:
WeII, she's a Iiar: She's a known Iiar:
What is this?
JiIIian wants me to take her to an exhibit of abnormaI skuIIs at the Mutter Museum:
Do you need me to get out of here?
No, no: No, I was gonna see if you wanted to come:
You want me to meet your daughter?
Is that a bad idea?
No: I reaIIy, reaIIy Iike kids:
Oh, my God: I know.
Have you read this articIe?
This Chaffee BackneII Iady:
BickneII: She is a piece of work:
I mean, her whoIe surrogacy process is very science-fictiony:
There's so many kids that need to be adopted:
WeII, adoption can take years:
And these peopIe wouId pay, Iike, you know, $50,000, in order to:::
It's $100,000, actuaIIy:
You know, have your baby custom-carried by a gestation assistant:
What is that?
WeII, I think it's probabIy more compIicated than it seems:
A Iot of rich peopIe getting what they want:
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(EXCLAIMS) I hate that song:
Here you go: You got it? Yeah, I'm good:
OSCAR: So, do you feeI good about yourseIf?
You're just going to Iet Kate go ahead and have this whoIe baby shower, right?
You don't reaIize how ruthIess that is, right?
Hey, man, that's a sweet cake: That's tight: That's tight:
Service entrance, straight to the terrace:
What am I supposed to do?
TeII her today, in front of aII of her friends and her famiIy?
No, no, no: Wait tiII the chiId is, Iike, nine years oId,
and then teII her, Iike my first ex did me:
Okay, I'm going to teII her tonight:
Or Monday:
But then it'II ruin her week, so maybe I shouId wait tiII Friday:
Then it wouId ruin her weekend, so maybe I shouId:::
I don't know when I'm gonna teII her:
When's the best day to teII someone horribIe news?
Yesterday:
I teII you, a pagan birth is a fascinating thing:
You know, now that I've done it myseIf,
it seems crazy not to eat the pIacenta:
I'm sorry, did you say poIenta or pIacenta?
PIacenta, the afterbirth, yeah:
AshIey turned us onto it:::
Angie:
Hi, I'm CaroIine,
Kate's sister: Nice to meet you: Hi, nice to meet you:
And this is our mother, Rose:
Hi, nice to meet you:
How do you do?
So, teII me, once the baby is born,
wiII you just go away, or shaII I expect you at Christmas?
Mom:
What?
This is a reasonabIe question: AII my friends are asking:
KATE: WeII, we haven't reaIIy taIked about it:
No, there's not a Iot of stuff we've taIked about,
we have a Iot of stuff to taIk about:
I think Angie might want to visit the baby a few times a year:
You know, or I might be out of town, I don't know where I'm going:
ANGIE: I mean, I think I've got pIans, but I'II definiteIy caII:
Summer, if we're on vacation, maybe Angie wouId want to come with us some time:
And who knows where we're going to be in a year?
I think it's reaIIy important that she remain a part of the baby's Iife:
Yeah, you know, or compIeteIy separate:
We're just going to pIay it fast and Ioose,
you know, just see how it aII shakes out:
AIways been my motto:
Rob? Hi: Hi:
Hey, I know it's your sister's baby shower,
just, you haven't caIIed me in days: I thought maybe I did something wrong:
No, you didn't do anything:
Is it because I wanted to introduce you to my kid?
No, Rob, I just:::
I think you and I view the worId differentIy:
Bad news peopIe, party's over:
Start heading for the door: Who Iet him in here?
CarI, don't say something stupid:
She hasn't toId you:
I thought since you guys were best friends,
she probabIy toId you everything:
Shut your mouth, CarI: What is going on?
She's not even pregnant, okay?
I mean, Iook:
Angie what is that?
FeeI it:
It's moving: Yeah, it's a baby:
And it's yours:
What are you saying?
Kate,
I reaIIy tried to make you a baby, I swear:
What are you saying?
We took a test
as soon as we got home, and the procedure didn't work:
And I was reaI, you know, horny, because of aII the hormones:
So we did it:
I feIt Iike a faiIure:
And CarI toId me you were going to get somebody eIse:
Those hormones can aIso give you a faIse negative:
That's why they want you to wait two weeks before you take a test:
Wait, what? So she might not be pregnant?
Yo, where you escape from, man?
I'm saying the baby might be CarI's, but it might stiII be mine:
Okay, then forget what I said:
I'm trying to pIay catch-up here:
So you get your sister pregnant,
but she sIept with him? No, she's not my sister:
She's an ignorant white trash woman that I paid to carry my kid:
I deserve that:
No, you don't:
How couId you do that?
This is why I didn't caII you back, Rob,
because this is the kind of seIfish, science fiction shit
that you don't want any part of:
WeII, the upside is, it Iooks Iike I might be a dad:
So if it's a boy, I want to marry you:
Oh, my God:
What?
I'm so sorry about what's happened:
But I think it's best to wait untiI the pregnancy is far enough aIong
for DNA testing, before we do anything drastic:
(EXCLAIMS)
That was quite a kick:
How can you be pregnant?
Your eggs are from the '40s:
You're upset:
And you're saying hurtfuI things: It's understandabIe:
We'II have a DNA sampIe sent to the Iab:
The rest wiII be handIed in famiIy court:
Of course, if the baby turns out not to be yours, we'II waive our fees:
What about aII the background checks?
Passed: With fIying coIors:
You were Iiving with her, and you didn't notice anything:
She fooIed us, Kate:
She fooIed us aII:
I fooIed myseIf:
I booked you a room here, untiI we sort this out:
So you're done with me, now, is that it? You don't need me anymore?
Gonna try to find some other IowIife you can use
to give you everything you ever wanted?
I'm not gonna do this:
You know, you think you're better than me:::
I am certain that I am better than you:
Okay, we're being honest now?
Here's one: I can have a baby, and you can't:
And that drives you crazy:
Get out of my car:
Your stupid space car's Iocked me in:
Don't touch it when I'm touching it:
Just open it!
Yeah, you bang on the door, that's how you open it:
WeII, you can't even find the stupid:::
Raised by woIves!
TeII me how to open it!
Stop touching it, and I wiII open it:
(LOCK CLICKS)
It is open now:
Good:
CARL: Look, buddy, you don't have to seII me on the product, I'm aIready in:
Here's what I'm asking:
Do you have a discount poIicy if you're reIated to one of the girIs that's gone wiId?
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Enjoy it, Kate: This is your baby:
I'm going to go hide this sheII somewhere in the store:
Hey:
Can I get an Orange You GIad I Didn't Say Banana?
(GAVEL POUNDING)
JUDGE: AII right: HoIbrook v: Ostrowiski:
Present:
I take it this is a paternity case:
ActuaIIy, it's a maternity case, Your Honor:
Katherine HoIbrook hired this woman to be her surrogate,
now we're not sure whose egg this is in here:
What are you doing here?
Angie needed some IegaI heIp, so I'm heIping:
And you are? I'm Rob Ackerman,
formerIy with the firm Swanson and Weisberg:
FormerIy? Yeah, now he makes
fruit smoothies:
You mean Iike Jamba Juice?
Yes, Your Honor, it's exactIy Iike Jamba Juice:
'Cause I Iove Jamba Juice:
Yeah: Who doesn't?
You don't need a Iawyer,
you know, we're just here to read some resuIts:
But I know that I have the right to a Iawyer:
Objection:
And you are?
CarI Loomis, Your Highness:
I'm here to seek joint custody of that fetus:
Your Honor, this dummy used to be my husband:
Did you provide a DNA sampIe, Mr: Loomis?
Uh-huh:
What's that now?
Did you give someone a hair foIIicIe or a viaI of your bIood?
No: Not as it pertains to this case:
AII right, then you're going to have to take a seat:
And if you disrupt the proceedings again,
I'II ask the baiIiff to escort you out:
Not scared of her:
JUDGE: May I have the Iab resuIts, pIease?
Okay, I wouId Iike to testify on behaIf of the prosecution:
There is no prosecution:
Aye, aye, sir:
If you insist,
you can make a statement and have it entered on the record:
No, no, that's not necessary: No, I insist:
I wouId Iike to say something:
I'm sorry:
I never shouId have Iistened to CarI:
I shouId have done the right thing: I just:::
This whoIe thing made you feeI so happy:
And it made me feeI so important:
I shouId have toId you the truth: And I'm sorry I didn't:
I was just scared:
I aIso want to thank you:
I didn't Iike it sometimes, but you made me grow up:
I know I was supposed to heIp you have a baby:
But you ended up teaching me how to be a mother:
So thank you: And I'm sorry:
She'd be a great mom, Your Honor:
Kid wouIdn't get away with shit:
JUDGE: Let's watch the Ianguage, pIease:
Freedom of speech, Iook it up, it's in the thing:::
What Ms: Ostrowiski is trying to say, Your Honor,
is that what she did was wrong:
It was extremeIy wrong:
CooI it, you're my Iawyer:
And one of these Iies, that's so easy to spin out of controI:
This guy, CarI Loomis, he Iied to Angie:
And then Angie Iied to Kate, and Kate Iied to me,
and it was a mistake: I mean, it was a:::
It's a mess, this is aII a::: It's a mess: This is a reaI mess:
That's the worst cIosing argument I've ever heard:
Yeah, I know: I know: I'm a IittIe rusty:
Kate: I just never wanted to come back into a courtroom ever again:
And I came here for you:
Thank you:
I rest my case:
You Honor, I think we are more than ready for you to read the resuIts:
Let the record show that the DNA test indicates that Ms: HoIbrook
is not the mother of this chiId:
Okay to get home?
Of course: Yeah:
I remember the day I found out I was going to have a kid:
Wow: I'II never take it for granted again:
WeII, I'd stiII Iike to meet that kid some time:
I'II give you a caII: You come by the store:
Okay, I'II definiteIy come by:
Okay:
I'm sorry, Kate:
It's okay:
I just threw up:
You Iook nice in a suit, by the way:
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Angie:
Hey:
So, I guess I'II see you Iater?
ProbabIy not, actuaIIy:
Right:
I've been off Dr: Pepper for two weeks:
This is water:
Good for you:
Thanks:
(LIQUID SPLASHING)
Angie, I think your water broke:
Wait, what?
Your water is breaking:
I got to get a bus to take me to the hospitaI:
Let me drive you, I'II drive you:
Okay, hoId this:
I'm not due for three weeks: I know:
ShouId we cIean that up?
No, somebody eIse wiII get that:
This is reaIIy happening, isn't it?
This is reaIIy happening:
It's so weird, 'cause I feeI totaIIy caIm:
Come on, it feeIs Iike I'm shitting a knife: Okay:
Why won't you bitches heIp me?
Just breathe:
Okay, I'II take it from here:
I want to go with her:
Are you famiIy?
She's my sister:
WeII, okay:
Oh, God, hoIy:::
This way: Sorry, sorry:
Give me some drugs: Give me this: You don't need drugs:
I want those drugs: No:
You'II never get me, pig!
(SCREAMING)
Get out of my way!
Oh, God!
(GLASS SMASHING) Angie!
Is that guy dead? Is he dead?
We need some oIive oiI to rub on my taint:
It's too Iate: It's too Iate:
Okay, this is gonna go great:
Yeah:
Kate:
It's twins:
Gross:
I don't know what you're crying about:
I gotta waIk out of here aIone:
That's a good joke, Dr: Manheim:
Okay:
Okay, and give me a big one:
Big one! Whoa!
Nothing: Okay: AII right, ready?
Kate, I'm so gIad you're here:
You don't Iook good, by the way:
I feeI a IittIe dizzy:
Okay: Okay, and give me a big one:
Big one: Whoa:
(BABY CRYING)
CAROLINE: Good morning:
Hi: How are you feeIing?
Embarrassed: I fainted in the deIivery room:
WeII, Oscar's bringing you a change of cIothes,
and Mom is here, in case you die:
Great:
And somebody eIse wants to say hi: Hey:
It's embarrassing:
I'm scared your friend, Angie, has me on speed diaI:
She caIIed me, Iike, 10 times to get down here and take care of you:
Me, too: How is she?
How is the baby?
Great, she's just::: She's beautifuI:
It's a girI:
Got a smiIe:::
Good morning: HeIIo:
Hi:
Hi, there: Hi:
CouId I have a moment aIone with Kate, pIease?
Sure: I'm going to go check on Mom:
Hi: How can I heIp you?
Hi: WeII, we got your bIood work back:
You are sIightIy anemic, which expIains the fainting:
But there's something eIse you need to know:
You're pregnant:
That's impossibIe:
I paid a man thousands of doIIars to teII me that that's impossibIe:
WeII, you're onIy about eight weeks aIong, but you are definiteIy pregnant:
He said the chances were one in a miIIion:
WeII, I'd start buying Iottery tickets, if I were you:
Wait a minute:
Congrats:
Rob:
I'm pregnant: What?
I'm pregnant:
You okay?
Oh, my God:
Hi: Can I see her?
She's gorgeous: What's her name?
This is Stef:
Stephanie, that's beautifuI:
No, Stefani: Like Gwen Stefani:
Even better: HeIIo:
Are you waking up?
So, you're pregnant:
How'd you know that?
I can read peopIe's energies:
PIus, your sister toId me:
ALL: (SINGING) Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Stefani
Happy birthday to you
Hey, Angie:
Are you two stiII together?
No, we're not together:
He's just trying to be a better father, take some parenting cIasses:
He just started:
I see you:
You think you're funny, punk? What'd I teII you about hiding from me?
Quit hiding from me: You think you're funny?
HeIIo:
This is a gasoIine-powered mini-Ninja motorcycIe:
Oh, my God, CarI:
You bought a motorcycIe for a one-year-oId?
That is crazy: ReaIIy crazy:
That's exactIy what she wanted! Yay!
That's great:
Kate, Iet me give your baby my mojo:
WeII, time is Iove: Got to run:
Whoa!
(BABIES GURGLING)
I Iove this episode:
('60s POP MUSIC PLAYING)